Bringing home a baby is a huge life change —here’s how to cope

The feelings you may be experiencing when you come home with your new baby are likely to be a mix of two emotions: excitement, and, possibly, panic.

During these precious few weeks, anxiety is common, as is the challenge of managing friends and family, all of whom may be pushing to visit the baby and share their child-rearing advice with you.

Instead of getting more stressed, follow the advice from our experts, all of whom agree that this is your time, your baby and your prerogative to decide how you want things to be.

Set ground rules for visitors

It may be tough to say no to your mom (or mother-in-law) if she wants to spend lots of time with your baby, but it’s up to you to decide how often visitors can come over, said Zoe Rapoport, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Chelsea and mom of a 2 year-old. It’s also important that they follow the rules

“Your mom is special, but she still has to wash her hands when she comes over,” she said, adding that it may be best to make it a rule to only have one person visiting you at a time. “Your baby’s immune system isn’t fully developed until she’s around three months old so it’s essential to tell anyone ‘if you have the sniffles, stay away.’”

And, if anyone in your life is unhappy about these rules, you may have to get even tougher.

“If they keep demanding to come over, consider telling them that they will lose access to your baby if they keep asking,” she added. “It may be hard to do this at first, but this is all about your baby’s health so it’s up to you to find the strength to not back down.”

Do what you can to catch a nap

We know the standard adage that you should sleep when the baby sleeps, but it’s not only unrealistic, it feels like very annoying advice when you’re utterly exhausted and have a zillion things to do the minute your baby conks out.

“I start hearing moms talking about sleep deprivation around the time their baby is 12 weeks old, since that’s when they’ve become really debilitated,” said Melissa Paschke, LCSW, a clinical social worker who runs the Brooklyn Post-Partum Depression Support Group.

This is where a partner can be helpful in making sure you get consistent rest. “Lack of sleep is a very big stressor that only gets worse over time, so if a mom has any mental health history whatsoever, if she’s ever suffered from depression or anxiety, she’s at a real vulnerability point.”

Smile and nod when given unsolicited advice

Sure, that veteran mom friend of yours is only trying to be helpful, but when she asks if you’ve played Mozart to try to get your baby to sleep, it’s fine to just smile and nod, Paschke said.

“This friend isn’t with you when it’s 3.30 AM and you’re trying to get your baby to sleep,” she said. “A mom friend might tell you that your baby will wake up a lot less if they’re closer to you, or can feed on demand, but it’s not for anyone to offer their opinions so just politely say ‘thank you for the suggestion.’ This often works effectively to set limits and keep boundaries in place.”

Postpartum anxiety is real

While postpartum depression is now talked about, postpartum anxiety is actually more common among new mothers and isn’t getting nearly the attention it deserves, said Lauren Cook, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Pasadena, Calif., and a new mom herself. “The big sign that you’re experiencing this is if you’re ruminating on a topic or have obsessive thoughts,” she said.

“It can manifest as anxiety, such as ‘what if I drop the baby?’ or you worry about someone kidnapping the baby. I tell moms that they should never feel ashamed about sharing these thoughts and fears because, the more we avoid talking about them, the more these thoughts can take over.”

Trust your maternal instincts

With social media promising easy remedies for every issue that might come up in the life of a new mom, it’s easy to buy into the premises, but avoid the temptation to do so.

“I was just in a session with a mom in the throes of potty training and she shared that she saw a $99 gizmo promising a foolproof way to potty train,” Paschke said. “There is a big predatory market online that’s geared towards new mothers. Instead of purchasing products like this, I urge new moms to tap into their own maternal instincts.”

Never hesitate to seek help

While it’s natural to feel overwhelmed in the first few days, weeks and months with your new baby, it’s very important to seek help if you’re having trouble bonding with your baby. Pay attention to any crying jags you may be having as well.

“While crying is normal, uncontrollable crying that lasts for more than a few minutes, isn’t,” Rapoport said. “And, if you’re finding that all you can think about is something bad happening to you, your baby or your family, you should seek help from an expert.”