I dread the emails, but I’ve always wearily accepted them. Like a reminder about an annual teeth cleaning.
“Upcoming price increase,” the subject line so casually reads.
He we go again! TV streaming services, which were once cool and shrewd ways of cutting the expensive cable cord, now do little more than maniacally jack up their cost to infuriate their customers.
All the while, they shovel us more cheap crap.
Two TV streaming services have increased their fee this month, within days of each other, like some sick joke.
Peacock flew up from $10.99 to $12.99 (ad-free). And Apple TV juiced from $12.99 to $14.99.
What’s the reason for this random 27% hike?
“We’re bringing you more of what you come to Peacock for, including year-round live sports, new movies from Universal Pictures, and your favorite TV shows from Peacock, Bravo and NBC,” Peacock claims.
My favorite shows from Peacock?! You’ve gotta be kidding me. “The Minature Wife”? “Ted? “The Copenhagen Test”?!
These losers truly need $2 more per person to afford to include “The Odyssey,” a movie they already own, which has grossed $1.46 billion in large part because audiences want to enjoy it on premium formats like IMAX? Please.
How stupid do you think your customers are? Oh, right — you produced “The Miniature Wife,” a “Honey I Shrunk The Kids” for adults. You think we’re total imbeciles.
Apple is better, but not by much. At any given time they have maybe two shows worth watching — namely “Severance” and “The Studio.”
But the rest? “The Morning Show” makes “The Bold and the Beautiful” look like “The Sopranos.” “Ted Lasso” is a sickly sweet pandemic-era bowl of Fruit Loops. And “Widow’s Bay” is an overwrought (and vastly overrated) “Twin Peaks.” You people make the iPhone. Why are you pilfering my wallet for some crummy TV shows?
Their compadres are cheating us, too.
The best days of founding father Netflix ($19.99 ad free), which kicked off the streaming revolution19 years ago, are far behind it. “Stranger Things” is done and all of the service’s new series look and sound like the result of a Chat GPT prompt.
HBO Max ($18.49 ad free) has only one more season of “House of the Dragon” to go that will air God knows when. And “Knight of the Seven Kingdoms” is a six-episode-per-year, 30-minute show. So you’re effectively spending $19 a month on “The Pitt” and a Christmastime rehash of “Harry Potter.”
Hulu is meant for masochists who can stomach the garbage pile of Ryan Murphy’s repetitive schlock.
Paramount+ is for the five people who watch the Golden Globes.
And Amazon’s Prime Video? Well, at least it’s a bonus alongside free two-day shipping.
The era of Peak TV is obviously over. Quality and interest have plummeted to their lowest levels in more than 20 years. Nothing is airing that everybody cares about. The Emmys are frankly depressing. And yet we’re still being charged like these are actually desirable products that we urgently need.
The truth is, with the comeback of theatrical movies and the rise of YouTube, Instagram and TikTok, we simply don’t.
We’re paying as much or more than we would for cable to click around for 20 minutes only to find nothing to watch.
This month’s robberies — sorry, emails — actually did serve one useful purpose.
I went: “Wait. Why am I subscribing to Apple TV and Peacock?” And then I decided to cancel both.
You should too.
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