Since being ‘late-diagnosed’ with Autism Spectrum Disorder at age 28, I’ve thrown myself into reading about autism, desperate to understand myself and how I went undiagnosed for almost three decades.
For a long time, autism was considered a “male” condition, with four times as many boys diagnosed compared to girls.
Though this diagnosis gap is slowly closing, many girls, women, and non-binary autistics are still falling through the cracks.
I’ve learned that autistic women regularly remain undiagnosed and unsupported because we don’t fit the mold of “male” autism.
During April’s Autism Awareness Month, I want to share a personalized list of the different ways autism can present, particularly in women:
1. You have lots of sensory quirks
Whether we also have Sensory Processing Disorder or not, many autistics either overreact or underreact to environmental stimuli.
For me, trying to avoid sensory overload presents in odd ways: I walk on the tips of my toes unless I’m wearing shoes; I avoid bright light including the sun; I can’t wear or touch certain textures; and I eat mostly bland, “safe” foods over and over again.
2. You’re “too sensitive” and don’t feel in control of your emotions
Trouble processing emotions is a typical autistic trait.
Everyday emotional dysregulation can look like intense mood swings, crying at “nothing”, having tantrums you are “too old” to be having, or even self-harm.
Sadly, emotional dysregulation can also be a sign of mental illness, with statistics showing that many autistics also experience depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and bipolar disorder.
Importantly, the mental rumination common to a lot of these conditions is especially noticeable at night, meaning a lot of us also struggle with insomnia.
3. You either get nothing or everything done
Do you put everything off, including the things you love to do?
Many autistics also have attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and struggle with organizing their lives.
ADHD can look like constantly losing things, being easily distracted, fidgeting, restlessness, messiness, chronically lateness, and consistently procrastinating.
As a result, it’s also normal to deal with the constant shame of feeling like you are not living up to your potential.
On the plus side, people with ADHD and autism also experience bursts of hyperfocus – getting a huge amount done in a short period of time, usually because of our intense interest in the subject (or a looming deadline!).
4. You take rejection way too personally
If you take years to get over a breakup or cry in the bathroom at work when you get the slightest bit of negative feedback, you may be experiencing rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD).
RSD is common in autism and ADHD, and though it can be tough to deal with, there are lots of ways to cope.
For me, it helps to remind myself that my emotions are so intense because I truly care about the person or situation I am upset about.
5. You don’t fit in
If you’ve always struggled to make or keep friends, or to meaningfully connect with people you know, you may be neurodivergent.
But struggling socially doesn’t just result in being anxious at parties – autistic people are also often the target of bullies and people who want to take advantage of them.
A turbulent social history can then lead to the isolating cycle of avoiding social situations and feeling lonely, so it’s important we seek out healthy relationships with kind, understanding people, especially other autistics.
6. You feel like you’re faking being a human
A lot of autistic people feel like they are only pretending to be “normal”.
As a daily struggle, this often-automatic autistic experience of compensating for our natural differences is called “masking”.
Examples of masking include forcing eye contact or the “right” facial expressions, rehearsing conversations, and suppressing the “weird” or “embarrassing” stims (self-stimulatory behaviors) you’ve probably used to self-soothe since you were a child, like repeating certain words or phrases, flapping your hands, or rocking back and forth.
Despite now knowing how and why I mask, for me, at age 29, I still feel like a 12-year-old disguised in an adult body.
This perspective can come from the outside, too: autistic people are often told we are “unique” or have a “childlike” quality about us.
7. You get really obsessed with things
Being autistic definitely has its challenges, but we also experience immense joy from our special interests.
For women and girls, our obsessions are often more socially acceptable and therefore less noticeable than “typically autistic” male special interests.
While autistic boys and men are often interested in objects (like Lego or trains), autistic girls and women frequently prefer subjects – animals, or people (like musicians, actors, or TV characters).
Oh, no. This is me.
If you strongly relate to this article, I encourage you to read more writing about autism written by autistic people, speak with a trusted GP or psychologist, and reach out to the supportive #ActuallyAutistic community online.