What is benching? The latest dating trend has some feeling ‘disposable’

There’s shame in this game.

“Benching” — a sports term used to describe putting a player on the sidelines during competition — is a move making some people feel like sore losers in the dating game. 

Match chief dating expert Rachel DeAlto told The Post that benching is very similar to the “breadcrumbing” trend.

“You like them, you just don’t like them enough to prioritize them,” DeAlto explained.

Feeling like a backup can damage a dater’s self-esteem.

“It is an innately human desire to be wanted and seen. Being benched creates a cycle of unmet expectations and unclear boundaries, and the person being benched will likely start to feel like they aren’t important,” DeAlto added.

But NYC dating coach Grace Lee supports benching if it’s done honestly and respectfully.

“In fact, I encourage all of my clients to build a bench. Benching, dating more than one person at a time, is actually what dating is all about,” she told The Post.

“To be clear, I don’t believe in lying or leading somebody on. If your romantic partner says straight up that they want a full commitment and you aren’t ready, you should out of a matter of respect, let them go,” she clarified. “Keeping them on the sidelines isn’t benching, it’s disrespectful.”

She finds the practice of dating one person at a time a waste, especially for women.

“Benching, though counterintuitive, is a great way to meet The One. You’ve given yourself full allowance to explore who is out there. You’re considering each person with curiosity and allowing time to tell you what you need to know,” Lee said.

Juggling connections on dating apps filled with options may seem par for the course in today’s digital world, but daters who think they may be the One may be devastated to find out they’re not.

Melissa Randall, a 36-year-old writer from Philadelphia who commutes to NYC for school, told The Post that being benched by a potential suitor left her feeling “disposable.”

Randall said she matched with a man on Hinge who had a “really good opening line.”

“The first night we matched we chatted for three hours. Unbelievable chat chemistry. We were both really taken aback by the strong connection,” she said. 

Randall and her match never met in person, but they “FaceTimed constantly for 2-3 weeks” and even played online games together. Little did she know, she was getting played.

There were a few red flags right away.

“He didn’t talk about visiting each other, which I kind of thought was strange because of what he said regarding his feelings about our connection,” she shared.

It wasn’t until she FaceTimed her online beau with a friend that she discovered his two-timing ways. 

“He’s FaceTiming from his computer, so I can see he has his phone in his hand, and he’s texting. Suddenly he asks us (interrupting my friend) what a lychee berry is,” she explained. 

“And then says, ‘This girl I’m talking to just got a drink with lychee in it,’” she continued. 

Randall said she felt “frozen” and “shocked” and didn’t talk to her match for two weeks. He later slid into her DMs with memes, and that’s when Randall confronted him about benching her while talking to someone else.

“He admits that he was, but I had to understand that he thought he had a real future with her and a strong connection with her,” she explained.

The lychee on top was when he started trash-talking the girl he benched Randall for.

When Randall called him out for putting her on the sidelines and badmouthing the other woman, “he apologized and then said that [he] was especially sorry for what he did to me because things didn’t work out with her.”

“I was so insulted that he had the self-awareness, but also the nerve to say the quiet part out loud, so I told him I needed space from him. Haven’t talked since,” she said.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time Randall’s been benched.

“I’ve had this experience often with guys — even when I’ve been in a relationship, many keep women close to them as backups. It’s such a shame,” she lamented.

Some women do the benching themselves.

Alyssa Stacey, a 32-year-old business executive from Manhattan, told The Post that she benches men to calm her relationship anxiety, and she believes many other women do the same.

“I have done this, usually when there is an inclination that things may not work out without plan A, in an effort to distract myself as I am healing from an anxious attachment style,” she said.

“I am always honest with everyone about their position in my life. I don’t think it’s fair for it to be labeled as something only men do, though, because I assure you that women do it just as much if not more than men,” she shared.

Lee, the dating coach, echoed Stacey’s sentiments and said that the confidence and “energy” people dating multiple partners exude “is different.”

“You won’t text back within three seconds because you aren’t sure you want to give that signal yet. You won’t be as desperate for their approval because mutual interest is going to be a key criteria, and you won’t have as much riding on each connection. Because you value the importance of commitment, because once you commit, there are no other options. So you’ll take this seriously,” Lee explained.

DeAlto has some advice for daters who think they might be on someone’s dating bench.

“Someone can tell they are being benched when the person they are dating isn’t making plans with them and fails to communicate consistently, but communicates occasionally to keep them hanging on just in case. Boundaries and being clear with expectations are essential,” DeAlto said.

Lee adds: “Now, if you’re being benched, just remember: You’re allowed to bench too! Unlike basketball, you’re allowed to interview and play on other teams whenever you want to.”