“Do you have a high sex drive?”
This is the type of unwanted sex chat young women are being forced to navigate on dating apps and it isn’t uncommon.
An anonymous woman in an Australian women’s Facebook group shared a screenshot of the first message she’d received from a man on the dating app Hinge.
He ditched the niceties and instead went straight for gutter conversation and offered to “spank” her.
Hinge encourages users to create message prompts to start conversations, and she shared that she was the type of person who “forgets” to reply to people’s texts.
A man she’d never spoken to came across her profile and replied to the innocent prompt by leaving a sexually suggestive message.
“For every text you forget to reply to. That is one spank on your butt. How red is that butt of yours going to be, I wonder?” he wrote.
The young woman then took to Facebook to share the experience and asked if she was “overreacting” because she felt “uneasy” about the stranger’s unsolicited sexual message.
Many women jumped on the post to denounce this behaviour and labelled it “gross”, reassuring the woman that she had every right to feel upset. One woman encouraged her to see the “other side” and defended the message.
“He could be a Dom or someone who likes that sort of play. Just say thanks but no thanks and move,” she suggested.
The screenshot the woman shared speaks to a larger issue impacting women.
Women online often share the unwanted sexual messages they receive on dating apps and create content around it.
One creator on TikTok shared a message exchange she had on a dating app where a man immediately asked about her sexual appetite.
“Do you have a high sex drive?” He asked.
“Why would you ask that before you know anything about me?” She replied.
The issue is so prevalent that a TikTok went viral of two men sharing the worst dating app messages they could find.
This included everything from a man starting a conversation by asking a woman if she wanted to see his “cock” to a man complimenting a woman’s tattoos and breasts as a straight introduction.
Another creator shared the type of messages she gets on dating apps and explained they get “progressively” worse.
She shared a bunch of screenshots of chats she’d had on apps and while most of the messages quickly turned sexual, one man messaged her on a dating app, and before he even said “hello” or asked if she’d be up for a sex chat, he sent a vulgar message.
“Not going to lie, I’d tear that back up,” he wrote.
So why do some men do this on dating apps?
Psychologist Carly Dober said that there were many “factors” behind why men send these kinds of messages.
“Firstly, many men might come to the apps in a truly transactional mindset in which this is what they want to achieve from the interaction and they are being very upfront about this,” she explained.
Dr. Dober also said the problem was that some men don’t understand the impact these messages have on the receiver and wrongfully think it is OK.
According to Dr. Dober the behavior can also be influenced by broader “social norms” and the kind of friends and other men they know.
Dr. Dober said that these sexual messages shouldn’t happen without “consent” and men shouldn’t be sending them.
“This is a consent issue when very forceful sexualised images, photos, or content is pushed on someone that hasn’t stated they want to receive it,” she said.
Dr. Dober said this behavior made women feel “pressured” or “uncomfortable” and someone should always check with the person before sexting them.
“It is always good practice to negotiate sexual content and desires with someone before opening with this.”
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