A parenting specialist is sharing her five tips for teaching children rules without using the word “no.”
Kirsty Ketley, 42, has adopted a “respectful parenting” method — claiming she has given her children, Ella, 10, and Leo, 6, “controlled choices” since they were toddlers.
“I think it’s important to be consistent with your boundaries, so children understand that ‘no,’ means ‘no,’ and this needs to be instilled from a young age,” the UK TikToker told Jam Press.
“All families are different, and so boundaries will vary, which is fine — what works for one, won’t always work for another. But the way in which ‘no’ is expressed will make a difference to how well children, from toddlers to teens, will respond.”
Now, she doesn’t eschew the word “no” altogether.
Ketley said she makes sure to save the word for situations where her children might be in danger.
“Of course, a firm sharp ‘no’ is a must if your child is in danger — if they’re going to touch the hot tub or they’re going to run out into the busy road, of course, you can say ‘no,’” Ketley stated.
“It will, however, be more likely listened to if you have rephrased the word ‘no’ at other times.”
Here are her methods for avoiding “no.”
1. Give children instructions
Ketley, who boasts more than 20 years experience working with young children and their families, says giving kids positive reinforcement is more effective than telling them to stop.
“Firstly, tell them what you do want them to do, rather than what you don’t want them to do. Change your don’ts into do’s,” she explained.
“For instance, if they are running, and you would like them to walk, remind them to use their walking feet instead of saying, ‘Don’t run.’”
2. Say yes
Instead of viewing “yes” as giving in, Ketley says, consider it a negotiating tactic.
“This isn’t you giving in to them at all,” the mom of two reasons.
“This is you saying to them that, ‘No, now is not a great time’ for whatever it is they’re wanting. However, at some point in the near future, it will happen.”
3. Offer choices
What’s more attractive, a hard “no” or a couple of options?
“Give them some controlled choices,” Ketley recommends.
“This is where you give them a choice of two things which you approve of, to help them feel in control so they feel in control while you are in control.”
4. Divert their attention
If the child can’t remember what they asked for in the first place, the problem has already been dealt with — without fuss.
“Use some distraction techniques — if you’re out in the supermarket and they want something, use some distractions instead,” Ketley advises. “Make it sound really, really exciting.”
5. Give yourself peace
Finally, Ketley suggests avoiding potentially problematic situations.
“If you’re going to somebody’s house that is entirely not childproof, don’t go,” she proposes.
“Rather than you spending the time there, feeling stressed and having to say no to them about things, just don’t go — get the people to come to your house instead. Or, you go and meet on neutral territory.”