The ‘invisible issue’ sabotaging couples’ sex lives, according to expert

Time for some more hanky panky.

If how your partner suggests sex gives you the ick, experts say it might not be the death knell of attraction but a symptom of a more subtle kind of sabotage.

The cues, physical touch, or verbal expressions couples use to signal to their partner that they want to get it on can be an absolute turn-off, undermining both sexual intimacy and overall connection.

“Sexual initiation is an invisible issue,” licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin told The Post.

“Couples don’t always fight about it openly; they just slowly stop reaching for each other.”

Marin estimates that 83% of couples are either avoiding initiation, doing it badly, or feeling hurt by it regularly.

“Before long, there’s this low-grade distance between them. It’s one of the most damaging issues in long-term relationships,” she explained.

According to Marin, bad sexual initiation is born from a fear of rejection.

“If you don’t fully put yourself out there, it doesn’t hurt as much when you’re turned down,” she explained.

However, that fear can manifest as half-hearted hints, indirect communication, mumbled suggestions of “doing it,” and the dreaded “boob honk” that can make sex feel more like an obligation or a transaction than an expression of true desire.

“Nobody wants to have sex with someone who can’t properly state what they want,” she underscored

Marin, who is also the author of the best-selling intimacy guide “Sex Talks,” says that while bad initiation may seem like a momentary annoyance, the long-term consequences are much greater, leading to less sex and a decline in connectedness.

“How a couple handles initiation tells you a lot about how they handle vulnerability,” said Marin.

“If one partner is always pursuing and the other is always deflecting, that same dynamic almost always shows up in hard conversations, in asking for help, and in expressing needs outside of sex.”

Marin notes that pop culture has problematically taught us that initiation should be spontaneous and irrefutable.

“Movies show people making eye contact across a room, and thirty seconds later they’re tearing each other’s clothes off. No conversation, no checking in,” she said.

When an IRL couple compares themselves to this standard, they may think something is broken in their relationship, but according to Marin, good initiation requires both intention and communication.

“You have to know your partner, you have to say what you want, and you have to navigate ‘no’ gracefully,” she said.

“That might sound less sexy than the movie version, but a partner who knows exactly how to invite you in and make you feel genuinely desired is so much hotter than someone just lunging at you and hoping for the best.”

According to Marin, initiation is a long game that should begin hours before anyone sets foot in the bedroom, a strategy she calls ‘The Simmer.’

“Keep a low, warm hum of connection and desire going throughout the day so that by the time you’re alone together, the groundwork is already laid.”

That groundwork could be a text in the afternoon that says “I can’t stop thinking about you,” doing the dishes (an act of service that allegedly always results in oral sex at Katy Perry’s house), and/or a kiss that comes without further expectation.

Marin says initiation styles are a bit like love languages: there are distinct types, and we tend to initiate the way we want to be initiated.

“One person is setting the mood with candles and a slow build-up, thinking they’re being romantic, and their partner is wondering why they don’t just grab them.”

Marin emphasizes that no one is wrong in this scenario; they’re simply out of sync.

“Couples aren’t failing because they don’t want each other; they’re failing because they’ve been speaking completely different languages and never asked for a translation. Once you figure that out, so much of the hurt and confusion makes sense,” the expert said.

To relax the high stakes of romantic rejection, Marin suggests couples get better at saying and accepting ‘no.’

“If you can agree on how to turn each other down kindly, and how to handle it when you’re the one being turned down, the whole dynamic shifts.”

“Ask your partner, ‘What are three ways I could initiate that would excite you?’ Give them the chance to give you the specifics.”

Ultimately, Marin encourages couples to treat initiation like an invitation.

“You wouldn’t text a friend, ‘I guess we should hang out at some point,’ you’d say, “I miss you! Do you want to come over on Friday? I have a new recipe to try.’ The same energy applies to sex.”

“Make it an invitation that they want to say yes to,” she said.