I lived ‘Below Deck’ on a luxury yacht — here’s what you need to know

Tahiti, St. Thomas and the French Riviera — I’ve yachted in all of these exotic locales, albeit from the comfort of my couch. And, millions of Americans are in the same boat.

In 2013, “Below Deck,” introduced the masses to the most glamorous mode of traveling: yachting. Since then, it’s become a Bravo mainstay with Season 9 of “Below Deck Mediterranean’’ premiering in June.

But how real is the reality show? I spent five nights on a yacht in Croatia to find out.

A tip on tipping

My suitcase wasn’t bursting with Benjamins. An agency at your final destination provides cash for the crew’s tip money. While you’re expected to tip $30,000 for a two-night cruise on “Below Deck,” in real life you only have to tip 10% to 15% of your charter fee. That’s about $10,000 for a two-night cruise on a 180-foot charter yacht like Mustique (from $250,000 a week), which stars in the new season.

According to Zvonimir Androi, president of the yacht charter company Via Croatia, more often than not, the tip comes from what’s left over after provisioning.

So, shun the Dom Pérignon and skip the beluga caviar, and you’ll have money to spare.

What’s up, dock?

In real life, “Below Deck’s” favorite commercial-break cliff-hanger isn’t nearly as dramatic. Docking in our yacht, Via Croatia’s five-cabin, 100-foot Adriatic Escape (from $52,800 a week), was breezy.

I asked the crew if they hated setting up the slide — a tortuous, Herculean task if you believe what you see on TV.

“It’s not that bad,” a twentysomething Croatian deckhand, as cute as his on-screen counterparts, told me. “That said, we’re definitely not sad if you don’t ask for it.”

Play it cool

Despite being served meat on more than one occasion, my vegetarian co-guests on board weren’t divas when it came to cuisine — a major source of chef-related stress on the show.

Tantrums aren’t the norm Barbie Pascual, the “Below Deck” stewardess famous for putting up with former “RHONY” star Jill Zarin’s demands for the perfect Diet Coke in the “Real Housewives of Grenada” episode, tells me. “Guests know they are being filmed so their reactions are more extreme than they’d be if the cameras weren’t around,” she says.

Pascual’s biggest tip for first-time yachters? Don’t go skinny dipping, like they do on the show, after dark.

“People forget about currents, sharks, etc.,” she says. “Jumping in the water should always be with the captain’s consent!”

Our humorless Croatian yacht captain was a far cry from “Below Deck Mediterranean’s” affable Captain Sandy Yawn. I think we only saw him twice over the course of four days, and he definitely didn’t join us for dinner.

That was fine by us because the stews and deckhands were always handy with anything we needed — including at chat.

Asking for it

“No” is a word you’ll never hear on a yacht, unless there is a safety issue, Pascual says.

While we didn’t ask our crew to do a striptease or decorate for ‘70s night (two recurring requests on the show), out-there demands aren’t out of the question, as long as you’re willing to pay for it.

For example, Via Croatia is currently retrofitting one of its multimillion-dollar superyachts for an upcoming charter booked by a multigenerational Jewish family from Florida.

“In addition to paying the charter fee, the client is literally buying everything new: pots, pans, silverware, etc.” said Androi. “They’re even spending $30,000 on a new tender for the elderly mother-in-law.”

Now, I’m no reality show producer, but a picky primary trying to keep his wife, her elderly mom and their kosher kids happy at sea has the makings of an Emmy Award-winning episode.

Yachting on a budget

Charters are cheapest at the beginning and end of a destination’s season. Via Croatia’s yuppiest yacht, the 160-foot, 12-cabin Agape Rose, fetches $200,000 a week in July and August. But it’s just $164,000 a week in April and October. Divide that by 24 of your closest friends and family and it’s just $6,800 a person.

If that’s still too much, consider booking a yacht club suite on one of MSC Cruises’ Mediterranean voyages.

Sure, you’ll be on a cruise liner, but for $1,659 a person you’ll be treated to seven nights of private butler service with a private pool and restaurant that the pleb passengers don’t even know exists.