In mid-2020, at the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic, Vanessa Marin felt “the bristle.”
Whenever her husband of 12 years, Xander, 37, tried to hug or kiss her, she’d recoil and a skin-crawling shudder would surge through her body.
“I didn’t want to be touched,” said Marin, 39, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex.
“It was weird because in the beginning of the relationship we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other,” she continued. “Then, after years of being together, and the pressures of the pandemic, we’d lost that intimacy. It was scary.”
The pair, who don’t have children and live in Santa Barbara, California, had been quarantining together for months, and she felt overwhelmed by his presence.
So, the two came up with a plan: Every night, they’d crawl in bed and make out for 30 to 60 seconds — with absolutely no intention of taking things further.
After just a few weeks, Marin began feeling nearly as passionate for Xander as she had when they first met.
“It became this cute, special thing that we did together,” said Marin, who recently published her first book, “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life” (Simon Element).
She shared the couple’s makeout strategy on TikTok earlier this month, explaining to viewers that “the intent is to actually break the connection between making out and sex.”
The post went went viral, fetching over 8 million views from devotees of the ever-trending hashtag #RelationshipTok.
While the makeout sessions aren’t meant to lead to anything more, Marin said that if they does, the foreplay makes it better.
“We’ve spent time kissing and touching and being all over each other like we were in the earlier stages of our relationship,” she said. “So we experience that renewed [passion].”
For couples who aren’t into kissing as her and Xander, Marin suggests hugging, snuggling and holding hands.
But, she noted that making out won’t work miracles on every relationship.
“This one thing won’t necessarily save a marriage that’s on the brink of divorce,” said Marin, who shared some intimacy tip below, “but it’s absolutely worth trying.”
Remember when
Marin suggests couples regularly remind each another of their most hot-and-heavy trysts. “Take a moment to think about one of your favorite sexual memories with your partner, and share that with them today,” said Marin, adding that this can be done face-to-face or via text. Either way, it’s an easy, playful way to up intimacy.
Do it during the day
Rather than leaving sex as the last task of the night, Marin advises couple to prioritize having intimacy earlier in the evening. “After a long day, you get into bed and you’re exhausted,” she said. “Have sex early in the evening or even during the day because it’s when you have the most energy . . . It’s a small change that can make a surprisingly big difference.”
Up the pleasantries
“Practice giving each other better ‘hellos’ and ‘goodbyes,’” said Marin. Making a concerted effort to greet your partner with a meaningful and loving salutation can intensify emotional and physical connections. “Taking that little extra time with your partner can really be helpful.”