Like a Virgin: Richard Branson’s latest boozy cruises launch this spring

Lest you forgot, blonds have more fun … and nowhere is that glaringly more true than in the madcap world of billionaires.

While the dark-haired fat cat the world loves to hate, Elon Musk, uses his spoils to troll the libs, another billionaire — the British Betty to his Viking Veronica — is more famous for kitesurfing with a naked lassie on his back and flying a hot-air balloon to the Arctic (by accident, he was aiming for LA and missed it by that much).

Of course, the latter is Dr. Yes himself, 72-year-old Sir Richard Branson.

When the knighted richling randomly sat down next to me as I was having a fancy dinner aboard his Valiant Lady late last year, I put it to him: “Why didn’t you just buy that floundering social media company instead of that twerp? You’d
make it so much cooler!”

The Scarlet Lady is one of Branson’s soon-to-be foursome of ships.

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He couldn’t even dignify the question with a pitying chuckle — and deservedly so, good on him.

Branson is just on another stratosphere, and I don’t mean (just) his Virgin Galactic indulgences to the final frontier. The real difference between the two is that if the Musk could boost off to Mars, forsaking his current planet altogether, he’d do it in a heartbeat. Branson, on the other hand, still thinks this blue marble has something worth savoring and enjoying — emphasis on the blue part.

Enter Virgin Voyages, Branson’s foray into the cutthroat realm of luxury cruising.

Tub thumping: What happens aboard, stays aboard an adults-only Virgin voyage.

The showgirls have arrived — and they come bearing bubbly.

Eat, drink and be merry is the name of the game onboard.

He launched his first ship, Scarlet Lady, from Miami back in 2021. She was quickly followed up by Valiant Lady touching tide in 2022. Two more, Resilient Lady and Brilliant Lady, are set to join the growing sorority-of-the-seas later this year.

You might have noticed Virgin unsurprisingly flaunts the gentler sex theme in their nomenclature: It’s a nod to the late Queen and all the other matriarchs that preceded her throughout UK’s history, as in “your Ladyship.”

And each is a lot of woman to love, indeed: 110,000 grosse tonnage in size, at least 900 feet in length, a max capacity of 2,700 guests (dubbed Sailors onboard).

Nightlife at sea is a pirate's life for me — saddle up to the ships double-decker bar for a corpse reviver. — Nightlife at sea is a pirate’s life for me — saddle up to the ships double-decker bar for a corpse reviver.

These are hardly record-breaking, fat-flexing figures, but Branson isn’t concerned about flashy numerics (although 457 of his passengers in mermaid tails set the Guinness World Record for the largest gathering of merpeople last November) as much as experience.

And that experience begins and ends in adults-only fashion.

Even if you believe the children are our future, he’s keeping them the hell off your next cruise. Sir Branson — a dad a couple times over, by the way, so he knows what’s up — ensures that a hardline no-child edict allows for more after-hours fun like drag bingo, gambling at its table- and machine-equipped casino (with a hidden smoking/vaping room behind it), drunken dodge ball and other shenanigans you must be “mature” enough to enjoy.

Here, there are no suspicious buffets — instead, nosh is made to order.

Also not on the childless ships: buffets. Instead chow is made fresh-to-order.

While the ships will be sailing around all pockets of the world, the spring time for us yanks starts in Miami aboard either the Scarlet or Valiant Lady, exploring your old festive friend the Caribbean.

Here, a few sample cruises for your consideration: