When Claire’s last relationship of 12 months ended in 2018, she decided to take a break from intimacy, admitting she had spent a lot of time in the past using sex to keep men happy.
“I needed that break to actually realize that, you know, sex isn’t love,” the mom of two, who had been married from 2013 to 2016, told The Post. “It’s not there just to please a man — you need to be able to please yourself as well.”
Claire, who declined to give her last name, is now 40 and said she hasn’t had a sexual relationship since her last one ended. She described the break as “liberating” and said it has given her time to work on herself and be there for her 19-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son.
“I don’t miss [sex], to be honest,” she said, though she admitted she wouldn’t mind being intimate in “other ways such as cuddling.
“My friends are totally supportive and really get it,” she added. “And there are a couple of us that are the same and don’t miss it at all.”
Late last week, actress and talk show host Drew Barrymore made headlines after she admitted in a personal essay she hasn’t been intimate with anyone since splitting from her husband Will Kopelman in 2016.
“Since entering life as a single mom, I have not been able to have an intimate relationship,” the 47-year-old “Charlie’s Angels” alum wrote in the essay called “Rebels Who Love.”
“I have had the honor and a pleasure to actually work on myself and learn what parenting is, something I was not exactly clear on growing up,” Barrymore said.
Her message was received by women all around the world, who came out in droves agreeing with her.
“The message that we don’t need a partner or sex to be complete and happy is an important one,” Jennifer, 45, told The Post. “I’m an extremely sexual person. In the past year, I’ve only had sex twice [because] it wasn’t my priority.”
Jennifer, who lives in Texas and declined to give her surname, said she has been married married three times and has two children. Her last relationship ended 14 months ago, and since then, she’s been prioritizing herself.
“I don’t need a relationship or sex to be complete,” she continued. “If or when the time is right, I’m definitely open.”
Like Claire, Jennifer said she misses the connection that comes with sex, but said she has channeled the extra physical energy into renovating a camper van.
“When it’s all done, I plan on hitting the road,” she said, adding, “I think part of being single and healthy is knowing how to take care of yourself.”
Claire added that Barrymore’s words about wanting to dedicate time and concentrate on her children, rather than relationships, resonated heavily with her.
“Sex isn’t every everything, [and] I think, especially as you get older, as well, things change,” she pointed out.
According to Meaghan Rice, a Talkspace therapist who specializes in couples, it can be harder with age to develop and maintain a sexual relationship.
“Women may choose not to have sex because sex requires time and energy, which become increasingly more valuable commodities as we age,” Rice told The Post.
“Plus, our priorities shift over time, so it is fair to expect that if sex is not a priority, that valuable time and energy will be absorbed by other things that align closer to our needs.”
Hormonal changes can also be a factor. Claire admitted her libido decreased after going through early menopause at 27, for which she received hormone replacement therapy.
Laurie Jeffers, a certified menopause clinician and co-director of the Center for Midlife Health and Menopause, said that although hormones and menopause definitely play a role in decreased sex drive, women tend to experience a decrease in their spontaneous desire to have sex but usually retain their receptive desire.
“The receptive desire is [there] particularly if you’re in a good relationship, and you want to please your partner,” Jeffers explained to The Post. “Many women will find that once they begin sexual activity — even if they don’t have that spontaneous desire — they’ll have receptive desire and will be able to engage and respond, it may just take longer.”
Jeffers added that physical pain also stops women from having sex sometimes.
“As women lose estrogen [the] vagina thins out, the tissues lose their elasticity and they lose their collagen,” she said. “And sex can become painful.”
Regardless of the reasons behind it, putting sexual relationships on the backburner can free up more time and space for exploring one’s needs and wants.
“Relationships are the crash course on personal growth whereas being single gives us time to marinate on the things that we potentially need to be happy,” Rice said. “Sex can be part of the need structure, but it also does not have to be.”
Claire — who said she had “quite a few different sexual partners” in the past — said previously she was guilty of searching for love because fundamentally, she was “failing to love herself,” adding she now practices meditation and has connected with her spiritual side.
“I think women have quite a lot of pressure on them to have those sexual relationships,” she said.
“I think when I was younger, especially, I did associate sex with love, and actually, that wasn’t always the case,” she continued. “So to have a break has really made me — like [Drew] said, connect with [myself] and first and foremost be a mom.”