A husband has asked the internet whether he’s in the wrong for writing his wife, who’s a stay-at-home-mom, a performance review.
His explanation for the review, which he shared on a popular parenting forum, provides all the details you need to decide whether it was an inspiring move… or a ‘dumb way to die’.
The poster says he shares three kids with his wife, their six-year-old, the wife’s 13-year-old daughter and their 15-year-old niece (whom they share custody of).
He explains that the dynamic is pretty much “mom and youngest against the teens,” and he’s the referee between it all. He feels like his wife always sides with their six-year-old, while unfairly punishing the teenagers.
“My wife has taught the youngest she can blame others for her actions to avoid consequences,” he writes.
“She just says the word and one of the teens will get punished without question. There’s no doubt, she is my wife’s favorite. I love her, but she’s becoming nothing more than an entitled brat.”
The man then cites a recent example where this dynamic played out. All three kids broke a house rule (no swimming without adult supervision) but only the two eldest were punished and the youngest wasn’t, because she denied any involvement.
He later found her wet swimming costume hidden in the garage. But still, the mom gave the six-year-old little to no punishment.
“The lying, blaming and favoritism ultimately caused the teens to act out, understandably,” the dad writes.
“We have had countless, tiring arguments. She’d either not see her faults, or we’d agree to do this and that, but it was never actually done.”
So this is when the man had his genius solution.
“I decided to write her a performance review, as a SAHM [stay-at-home-mom].”
He said, “Her areas in need of improvement, well it was a lot.”
“I touched on how she needs to listen better and stop being biased. Be fair in all her decisions and stop making rash decisions without taking all three kids into consideration. I recommended she give each child the same amount of one-on-one alone time to speak, or just be with one another.”
“So it wouldn’t be an entirely slap to her face, I gave her accolades on her strong points for other areas aside from parenting.”
He justified his approach by saying, “I guess I felt this would work best,” because he could organize his thoughts without her “interjecting.”
But the man quickly realized that his plan had backfired.
“She was quiet the first hour after I handed it to her. Then she completely exploded on me, said if we’re going to do this type of s–t she’ll get a private bank account and take half my paycheck every week.
“She further said the review was abusive and a manipulative sexist move.”
Ah, if only there were an HR department to be the middle-man…
But instead, we have 2.6k comments with opinions from the court of public opinion!
The top comment, with 15.5k upvotes, reads: “The concerns you have are legitimate and it needs an urgent solution. But, the way you went about it is really unhealthy. The parenting of your children is not a project. You are not her boss, you are her husband and the father of her kid.”
“Giving her a performance review comes across as really manipulative.”
This person also had a lot of thoughts… “Are you her EMPLOYER, because employers give performance reviews. Partners do not give performance reviews.”
They added, “Your family, INCLUDING YOURSELF, needs therapy. A lot of therapy. A LOT of therapy.”
A different user replied to the thread, “What kind of reaction did you expect? You’re treating her like a temp worker, not your partner. That was unbelievably condescending. You seem to have a ‘you vs. me’ mentality instead of ‘us vs. them problem’.
“Y’all need to find a way to communicate better in a non-adversarial way.”
But some people empathized with the dad.
One person posted, “The performance review was his last attempt at speaking to her about it. It sounds like he’s attempted several times to discuss with her his concerns but it always turns into a fight… writing things down is a great way to relay one’s thoughts clearly and precisely without having a back-and-forth argument before a complete point is even made.
“What you’re seeing is desperation, not manipulation.”
Another added, “This sounds like it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Sounds like one person is doing the actual parenting and the other is letting the youngest run rampant.”
And the whole comment thread can pretty much be summed up with this one comment, “Legitimate concerns, poorly handled.”
And we assume the poster came to realize that too, as he later added this comment, “I should have just made it a letter and not a performance review.”