I’m an affair recovery coach — here’s how couples can bounce back from cheating

Once a cheater, not always a cheater?

Rece Davies, 43, of California, is an affair recovery coach who believes affairs are “an addiction.” She also says that people are unfaithful as a “form of escapism” or as a “pain pill” from hardships like a death in the family, an illness or a high-stress job, coupled with issues in their relationship.

Her expertise and advice come from experience. Davies cheated on her husband of 17 years for six months in 2020. The affair ended after she and her husband dealt with issues they suppressed — and they are now “happier than ever” and “in a much healthier place,” she claims.

“I discovered that so many affairs are exactly the same — even though the stories might start differently. They all follow very similar patterns, and we end up lying to ourselves,” she told South West News Service.

“We believe the lies we tell, and when you realize that so many of them are the same story — you just want to help people wake up to the truth of it.”

Davies said she supports both “the betrayers and the betrayed” when it comes to working with her couples.

“I help both to try and see the truth of what really happened. Affairs are addictive and there is a reason why, when someone gets involved and makes those choices, it is hard to get out,” she explained. “It is because you get chemically addicted, there are dopamine hits that happen in your brain that makes them addicted to this person.”

“I discovered that so many affairs are exactly the same — even though the stories might start differently. They all follow very similar patterns, and we end up lying to ourselves,” Davies said.

Rece Davies / SWNS

Davies said that one way she helps couples is by speaking the “truth” about the situation.

“I help the betrayed to understand that and I also help people who are betraying to see the truth of this being more of an addiction than the love of your life,” Davies said.

In fact, she suggested that couples can forget why they were together in the first place: for love.

“You lie to yourself about never having feelings for your spouse or say how you never really loved them. In reality, what I do is I try to make you remember the truth of your relationship and help you find your self-worth again,” she explained, adding that “shame and guilt” quite often come into play.

“You feel like an awful human being. Because it is an addiction, you lie to yourself constantly. You feel like you’re in a soul mate, twin flame relationship when really you are just in an addiction,” she said.

“You need to really see the truth of the red flags of the situation and really work on your self-worth.”

But Davies also added that there are a few tools out there to help someone stop their affair addiction. She suggested “trauma therapy” via a “love addiction app,” for instance, as one possibility. Davies also said she tells people to compile a “negative reinforcement list,” which lists the bad things about an affair. That way, when one feels fixated on the good things that happened, one can remind oneself of the negative aspects.

That means reverting to a former version of yourself.

“Who were you before the affair? You have to get back to that person,” she said. “Affairs change you and bring out the worst in you, so you need to work out who you were before and make a list of who you want to be again,” she explained.

After an affair two years ago, Davies became an affair recovery coach.

Davies herself was that person for half of 2020 when she had an affair.

“When my husband and I walked through a couple of hard years, I didn’t go to counseling, I was trying to handle it all myself — I got into a broken, fearful place,” she confessed, adding that affairs oftentimes involve someone from the past or a co-worker who could make you feel safe.

In Davies’ case, she felt lucky that people around her held her accountable.

“My own family was like: ‘What are you doing? Who are you?’” said Davies, who added that she was defensive about the situation at first. “Luckily I had friends who weren’t encouraging it and were calling me out — telling me I wasn’t being myself.”

That’s when her own self-evaluation kicked in, she said.

“I called a therapist and I got involved. Once I started talking to a therapist and all my friends weren’t encouraging of the situation, I went into deep research for myself,” she said.

Her methods included using different therapists, doing research, journaling and exploring faith.

“All of this helped me understand the truth of what it is and woke me up,” Davies concluded.