Here’s the secret to living a truly happy life

What makes people truly happy? Two experts behind the world’s longest-running study of human happiness offer answers in a new book.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the most intensive study of adult development in history, tracking the lives and happiness of 724 Boston men over 80 years from 1938, and going on to study the children of the original participants. (The study began with Harvard students, when the College was all-male, and incorporated 456 young men from Boston before adding more than 1,000 male and female children of the original participants.)

A new book, “The Good Life” by Study leaders Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz, is based on analysis of decades of interviews with participants — and in particular, on how happy they were at different times in their lives, and why. 

Waldinger — who is also a Zen priest — is also behind a 2015 TED talk on happiness that has been viewed more than 40 million times.

“Success in life is often measured by title, salary, and recognition of achievement,” write the authors. “Those who manage to check off some or even all of the desired boxes often find themselves on the other side feeling much the same as before.”

The authors say that happiness is not a destination to be reached, but a process which comes from good connections with other people. “One thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance,” they write. “Good relationships.”

Read on for more of their findings.

(Note: the names of study participants have been changed to protect their privacy.)

It’s never too late to be happy

Is it too late for people who have had hard lives to heal, to find a new path? A Study participant who lived what the authors describe as one of the most “difficult and lonely lives” may offer hope to anyone stuck in a difficult situation. 

Clockmaker Andrew Dearing was trapped in an unhappy marriage for most of his life. “His wife was quite critical of Andrew and was averse to most social situations,” write the authors. “She didn’t want to see anybody, and she didn’t want him to see anybody.”

Dearing attempted suicide aged 45. At 65, in response to a question about friends, he wrote, ‘No one.’  

But at 68, he separated from his wife, began going to a local health club to exercise and made more friends than he had ever had in his life. He began socializing daily — and he upgraded his score for life satisfaction to a seven, the highest possible. 

The authors say that no matter how “adrift” people may feel, how far from human connection, “It’s never too late.” 

Who supports you

How much time do you really spend interacting with people? It’s probably less than you think. Research in 2018 found that the average American spent eleven hours a day interacting with media, from television to radio to smartphones — adding up to 18 years of life from age 40 to age 80. By contrast, if you have a friend that you see once a week for a coffee hour, it adds up to just 87 days.

One Study participant highlights the importance of staying in touch. Sterling Ainsley felt hopeful when he retired at 63 in 1986, but had slowly lost touch with his children and friends, and separated from his wife, ending up often alone. 

The researchers say that Sterling’s experience is a common one. They recommend writing down who your support network is — and who you provide support to. 

“We may not understand what is holding us at a distance from the people in our lives,” the authors write. “Taking some time to look in the mirror can help.”

Why intimacy matters

Two stories from the Study illustrate how prioritizing people and connections over wealth can lead to happiness. 

Study participant John Marsden graduated top of his class and settled into a law firm that let him do public service work, a longtime dream of his.

Leo DeMarco, who had dreamed of being a writer and journalist, moved back home to look after his mother after she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and found himself teaching high school, which he continued to do for 40 years. 

By 1975, John earned $52,000 to Leo’s $18,000. But something was wrong for John. To the Study question, “Life has more pain than pleasure,” he replied “True.” Leo wrote “False.” 

John‘s career began with a hope to make life better for other people, but he began to focus more on his accomplishments. Leo focused on his relationships with other people, resisting promotions that would have taken him away from his pupils, and was considered one of the happiest men in the study. 

Maybe, the authors suggest, the question, “Can money buy happiness?” is wrong “Maybe the right question is: ‘What actually makes me happy?’ ”

Can ‘broken’ people ever be healed?

In Hollywood films, there’s often a moment where a villain’s choice of his evil path is explained by some traumatic event in childhood. But can people who have had difficult childhoods escape the trauma that hangs over them? 

Study participant Neal ‘Mac’ McCarthy’s mother became an alcoholic and he fled the family home amid violence, going to work at age 15. “I knew that wasn’t how I wanted to live,” he said. “Fighting, drinking, screaming.”

Neal fought in the Korean war and used his veteran’s benefits to go to college, where he met his wife Gail, who he married 11 days after he graduated. In later life, Neal scaled back his accountancy business to look after Gail, who had Parkinson’s disease. She still encouraged him to indulge his hobby of birdwatching, calling out, “Find a good one for me,” as he left.  

Despite a difficult start in life, the authors write that there is always hope: “Childhood isn’t the only time of life when experience is formative… a powerful, positive experience will have a corrective effect on an earlier, negative experience.”

Why vulnerability is important

It is important to “open up” and be vulnerable with other people, the authors write. 

Study participant Joseph Cichy had a long and outwardly successful marriage to his wife Olivia, having celebrated their 59th anniversary before she died in 2007. 

“The greatest stress in our marriage isn’t conflict,” he told the Study in one interview. “It’s Olivia’s frustration about my unwillingness to let her get inside me. She feels shut out.”

Even Joseph’s daughter said she never truly knew him, and at 72, Joseph said of his marriage, “We’re not bound together.”

Peggy McKean offers a stark contrast to Joseph. She was a second-generation participant in the study. As a young woman, she went through with a marriage to an “incredible” man, only to file for divorce a few months later and come out as gay. 

“I felt completely embarrassed,” she told the authors. “Not about being gay, but for not figuring out who I was sooner and for the grief I caused two families and the many friends who supported our relationship.”

But Peggy still found her way to happiness, with a long-lasting relationship. In her responses to the Study, she would reply, “A lot” to whether friends and family cared about her. The authors write, ‘[Peggy’s] relationships are what helped her through. Because of her full engagement with the people who are close to her, she’s lived, as Zen Buddhists sometimes say, “the ten thousand joys and the ten thousand sorrows.”’

How to take stock of your life

One of the things participants in the study have said is that having to answer questionnaires regularly has allowed them to take stock of their lives. 

Looking back has allowed participants to understand pivotal moments

Wes Travers lived a life overshadowed by the moment his heavy-drinking, unfaithful father walked out on his family. As a 15-year-old, he started working as a busboy, and seemed lost. 

Wes signed up for the Korean war and “found himself” in the military, spending more than a decade training foreign armies abroad. When he returned at 29, he was able to buy a new house for his mother, allowing her to move out of the tenement where they grew up. 

He married late, at 44. But the marriage was happy and long-lasting.  

The researchers say that taking a moment to look back and understand can help. They write, “Find a photograph of yourself when you were about half as old as you are now. Now take a close look. What were you thinking about back then? And perhaps the most difficult question to face: When you think of yourself at that time, what do you regret?”