My dad was a terrible husband.
I adored him as a dad, but he treated my mother horribly for their entire marriage.
The worst thing he did to her was just after I fell pregnant with my first son, and it shook our family to its core. Which is why I did what I did when I had my baby.
I chose the name to hurt him
It was somewhat of a tradition in our family to have a grandparent’s name in a new baby’s name, either as a first or middle.
If my dad didn’t do what he did at that time, I probably would have used his name as my son’s second. But the thought of doing so after we learned what he did made me sick to my stomach.
I barely spoke to my father for my entire pregnancy; why on earth would I give my firstborn his name? Names are should mean something, and surely, if you name a child after someone you know, isn’t that a sign of respect?
I had adored my father my whole life, because I could separate his behavior to mum from how he treated me. My dad is a great dad and person in many ways – but his most recent acts just couldn’t be compartmentalized.
He’d hurt all of us – and directly, this time, not indirectly.
I was so disgusted with him that I decided to make it clear how irreversible the damage was; so I didn’t use his name in my son’s. I knew he would be devastated.
But that wasn’t enough for me: so I sent an even stronger message.
I used the name of someone he hated
I gave my son the first name of my mum’s only brother. A wonderful man who loved his sister, and detested my dad – and whom my dad greatly disliked for those reasons.
I thought that would make it clear where my loyalties lay.
Of course, I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t respect and admire my uncle, who was a brilliant man and dad. A person I’d love my son to grow up to be. I also loved the name.
After all, the name needed to be special enough to use for my firstborn baby.
So, by naming my child after my uncle, I was doing two things – and was pleased about both.
Dad never said anything
My father, who never reserved his opinion, wore the most incredible poker face when I announced what his first grandchild is called.
To his credit, he didn’t say a word about it, and gave my son a variety of nicknames which were all related to my uncle’s name. He didn’t shy away from speaking the name.
At the time, I thought he got the message. I thought he knew he’d lost the right to be honoured by the family tradition. I am sure both of those things were true.
As the years went by, and my anger towards my dad settled, I began to feel a strange thing; guilt. As a parent, I got the impact on him of what I’d done, in a different way.
I stand by my son’s name, and love it, but do feel a bit guilty for hurting my dad as I did. He’s my father, after all.
But then I remind myself that I wouldn’t have done it if his actions hadn’t hurt me, which led to him losing the privilege.
This source spoke to Kidspot on the condition of anonymity for privacy reasons.