Dear Abby: My brother-in-law cut off the family — but still expects his parents to bankroll his lifestyle

DEAR ABBY: My husband’s brother, “Hank,” has estranged himself from the family. He’s married with two children but has little to no contact with his mom, dad, stepdad, sister, brother (my husband) or any of his nieces and nephews — except when he calls his parents asking for money.

On the rare occasions I have seen him, his wife refuses to participate in any family gatherings, dinners or even photos. There’s always a string of excuses or obvious lies, and none of us can understand why they have chosen to stay so distant. It’s painful and confusing. 

Since becoming part of this family, I have watched Hank manipulate situations to get what he wants. He is extremely persuasive and plays the victim well. He is caught in a cycle of being unable to keep a job while trying to maintain a lifestyle far beyond his means. 

I do have some sympathy, because it’s clear there are deeper issues behind his behavior, but the pattern of drifting in and out of our lives — especially my in-laws’ — has become exhausting. They’ve finally reached the point where they’re no longer willing to give him money, but I worry about the future. 

As my in-laws continue to age and potentially become more vulnerable, I fear Hank will find new ways to take advantage of them. I love them, and it has been painful watching them be used and hurt for so many years. Is there anything I can do? — CONFLICTED IN MISSOURI

DEAR CONFLICTED: Manipulating older folks to get them to fork over money is called elder abuse, and there are laws against it. Although it may be a bit premature (as your in-laws are still mentally competent), it couldn’t hurt for you and your husband to consult an attorney who specializes in elder law and discuss your concerns, because crimes like this happen too often.

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DEAR READERS: As anyone who reads “Dear Abby” knows, I have always stressed the importance of writing thank-you notes. It is now time for me to put pen to paper. I have always considered you, my readers, to be my friends. Thank you for accepting me as warmly as you always have and thank you for being willing to share your joys, pains and frustrations with me these many years. Your trust is the greatest honor I have ever been given. You have taught me far more life lessons than I have ever taught you.

I am now in my 39th year of penning the “Dear Abby” column, which started on Jan. 9, 1956, written by my late mother, Pauline Phillips. When I began writing it in 1987, I promised myself that when the time came to retire, I would step aside to live life without a deadline. I am grateful for the support of my two loyal and able assistants, Steven Andrews and Jose Fuentes. Please don’t worry about me; my health is fine. I plan to indulge my long-postponed itch to travel. 

In the years ahead, my column will continue to serve you. It will be written by a capable editorial staff. Please wish me a happy retirement as I open this new chapter of my life. 

I love you all. — Jeanne Phillips aka Dear Abby

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.