Can’t relax and have a good time? ‘Perfect Moment Syndrome’ is real — here’s how to get over it

If it’s your party and you’re crying because you want to, experts say you may be suffering from ‘Perfect Moment Syndrome’ — or the inability to relax and enjoy.

According to best-selling author Sarah Wilson, who first defined the mental state, those who afflicted with the other kind of PMS “think life should operate in a certain way and to certain ratios: That birthdays are always happy, that a week in Thailand is meant to be relaxing, that a long-awaited date with your partner at a special restaurant will bring you closer together.”

Setting strict expectations of happiness or fulfillment for certain events can actually lead to greater sadness, Wilson warns.

“What I have found for myself is that when I have the bar so high of exactly how something should go it leaves so much room for disappointment and it leaves so much space for me to feel like the experience that I just had was not what it ‘should have been,” Sarah Yudkin, a “relationship anxiety coach,” shared in a TikTok video.

The video resonated with viewers who identified with the struggle to manage expectations.

“Maybe this is why I don’t like holidays,” @ellejay36 commented. “A great normal day surprises me and brings me joy; holidays are never perfect and only disappoint me.”

“My mood ruins big events due to anxiety from expectations,” @user6473847462527 admitted.

While it is normal to have certain expectations for how exciting events will unfold, those ideas can ruin reality when they become unrelenting guidelines for how something must happen.

“The reason why perfect moment syndrome so consistently leads to hurt and distress is because it’s literally impossible for everything to go perfectly all the time,” licensed clinical psychologist Kamran Eshtehardi, Ph.D, told Bustle.

She noted that some suffer from these feelings more than others, explaining that “people who struggle with [the syndrome] are often scanning for issues or shortcomings because they have a history of feeling like things go badly for them and they expect that to continue.”

To overcome the potential disappointment, Jennifer A. Gray, MS, a licensed professional counselor, advises perfectionists to begin by prioritizing what they want out of the moment.

“Ask yourself whether this ‘want’ is to fulfill a sense of worthiness and flex on social media — or is it coming from a more authentic place of joy within you,” Dr. Gray said to Bustle. “If the desire isn’t aligning with your values, [try to] nix it from the plan.”

She also recommends practicing mindfulness and living in the moment, which should help to avoid spiraling about “what could have been.”