What kind of tequila are you based on your zodiac sign?

What kind of tequila are you based on your zodiac sign?

Happy National Tequila Day.

Novelist, red head enthusiast and Cancer king Tom Robbins waxes poetic about the angel in agave, “Tequila, scorpion honey, harsh dew of the doglands, essence of Aztec, crema de cacti; tequila, oily and thermal like the sun in solution; tequila, liquid geometry of passion; Tequila, the buzzard god who copulates in midair with the ascending souls of dying virgins; tequila, firebug in the house of good taste; O tequila, savage water of sorcery, what confusion and mischief your sly, rebellious drops do generate!”

Rebellious buzzard god semen indeed.

A true spirit for the spirited, tequila is born of volcanic soil and ritual. Tequila’s predecessor, the agave derived pulque, was harvested and fermented by the Olmec people as far back as 1000 B.C.

The earliest Mesoamerican civilization, the Olmecs were succeeded by the Aztecs who absorbed much of their traditional wisdom and practices including the sacred sauce of the agave and its use in religious ceremonies.

In the Aztec pantheon agave is associated with the goddess Mayahuel, a deity of fertility and hope from whose dismembered body the OG plants emerged. Mayahuel is a symbol of rebirth and abundance who is oft depicted with 400 breasts from which she lactates that alcoholic good good to feed her legion of rabbit offspring. Tits out, bottoms up, can dig.

History of tequila

Agave tequila landscape to Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico
Blue agave is the life source of tequila.

When the Spanish invaded Mexico in the 16th century they brought with them communicable disease, xenophobia, monotheism, guns, donkeys, religious subjugation and a working knowledge of distillation.

Running low on brandy, those colonizing bastards applied their knowledge to the fermented agave, creating a drink they called vino de mezcal or mezcal wine.

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In 1795 Don Jose Antonio de Cuervo makes the first Vino Mezcal de Tequila de Jose Cuervo in Tequila, Jalisco, Mexico, thereby birthing the modern tequila industry and taking agave from sacred substance to mass produced spirit.

jose cuervo
After receiving the first official charter from the King of Spain to produce tequila commercially, Jose María Guadalupe de Cuervo opened the first officially recognized tequila distillery.

In the 225 years since, tequila and mezcal have been chased and cursed, a fount of abandon and inspiration, regret and revelry and the reason this dude was recently relieved of $63k at a Miami strip club.

On July 24, we celebrate National Tequila Day. Apropos of the effects of tequila itself, the reasons for this celebration are clear but the origins are blurry.

Read on to learn more about the astrology of agave and what type of tequila aligns with your zodiac sign.


Mexican mezcal or mescal shot with chili pepper and orange
Mezcal tastes like a church on fire.

Fire signs Aries, Leo and Sagittarius are akin to mezcal, tequila’s bolder, smoke forward brother.

Unlike tequila, which is made by steaming one specific agave plant, Blue Weber or Blue Agave, mezcal allows for myriad varietals of the agave plant, both domestic and wild and is crafted by roasting the plant underground thereby giving the spirit its signature smoke and connecting it to the elemental nature of fire and fire signs.

Indeed, Mezcal smells like a pyre and tastes like the kerosene kiss of a fire eater and these signs are more likely than most to strike a match both literal and metaphorical.

Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:

Añejo tequila

blanco, anejo and reposado (1)
Blanco, añejo and reposado tequilas.

Añejo, Spanish for aged, spends one to three years in oak barrels getting itself golden and developing top notes of vanilla and brown sugar. In kind the earth signs; Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn are inclined to take their time to develop style, strategy and substance.

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More intentional than impulsive they prefer to observe and respond rather than rapid fire react. Earth signs are feminine and tend to carry energy, hurt and history; receiving it from those around them and sitting in and with it.

At worst, they hold onto this energy longer than is necessary or personally nourishing and at best they transmute it into dirt magic and the honeyed hue of wisened experience.

Añejo is not to be mixed with anything as caustic as soda or juice but like all earth signs can benefit from the softening influence of a few drops of water.

Silver tequila

Blano tequila
Silver tequila, like the average air sign, mixes well with citrus and strangers.

The air signs, Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius are akin to blanco, otherwise known as plata or silver tequila. Cerebral more than emotional, air signs prefer to graze over the heavy or the committal.

Apropos of this, silver tequila skips the aging process all together.

Due to being more in the mind than the body, air signs can be cutting with their words, clairvoyant in their scope and a little bit cold in their delivery. In kind, silver tequila is transparent and bites back.

Like most air signs, silver tequila is well suited for mixing with citrus and dubious strangers and what it lacks in delicacy it makes up for in adaptability.

Reposado tequila

Rest is the prerequisite of reposado tequila and emo AF water signs.

Easier on the heart and palette than air signs or silver tequila, reposado is barrel aged for a period of two to eleven months.

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Like the water signs; Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces, reposado (Spanish for rested) benefits from the gift of taking a knee and a good long time out.

Ever absorbing the emo debris of others and fighting the tides of their own spider senses, fever dreams and casual obsessions, water signs do well with a lie down and a retreat, be it in a barrel or cave, bathtub or sweat lodge, secret hide out or their ex-wife’s basement.

Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.

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