The definition of guilty pleasure, as per the word nerds over yonder at Merriam Webster is, “something pleasurable that induces a usually minor feeling of guilt.”
Examples of guilty pleasures include but are not limited to booze, processed foods, Nora Ephron movies, UGG boots, eating in bed, everything on the Lifetime Network, wearing pajamas all day, using someone else’s toothbrush, the music of Nickelback and anything else that brings a heady mix of joy and shame.
The advent of the internet has blessedly made it easier to share in these guilty pleasures and to find community in and through our bad or embarrassing behaviors.
As an unrepentant, pleasure principled Taurus, my god is more and my attitude towards guilt is no thanks. I encourage all of you to celebrate what makes you feel good even if it falls on the other side of cool, decent or healthy. Shame is the thief of joy so indulge freely and proudly with the knowledge that we all harbor habits that ride the line. Read on to learn more about the guilty pleasures and shameful indulgences of the signs.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Picking a fight
Aries folk loathe nothing more than boredom and will often pick a fight or instigate an altercation just to get their heart rate up and their nipples hard. Whether it’s making an inflammatory statement on Reddit, breaking a glass in the kitchen, picking a fight with their partner or inciting a riot at a sports bar they take pleasure in pushing buttons and boundaries.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Online shopping
Taurus rules the second house of valuables and self-worth and when bulls feel at a lack for the latter they double down on acquiring the former. Other placements in the birth chart will indicate whether the Taurus in question is a QVC shopper, a home goods hoarder or a clothes horse but whatever the ilk, the operative word is more and the Gollum voice of their deepest wounds whisper ‘never enough.’
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Doom scrolling
Geminis uses language to make sense of the world and stories to self-soothe. At the highest level this makes them deeply curious folks and at their most indulgent it makes them two bit gossips and chronic doom scrollers. Whether its diving head long into the black hole of a stranger’s Instagram feed, looking for people they know on PornHub, identifying the zodiac sign of their ex’s new partner via a social media stalk, or swiping right on everyone in a chaos move that trips the algorithm of dating apps, if its a toxic screen habit that makes their minds fray and eyes burn, Gemini is into it.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Trauma bonding
Cancer uses pain like a sailing knot to keep them tied tight to those they love and love to be needed by. Being intimately familiar with the trauma of others keeps Cancer feeling both connected and indispensable. Bonus: treading water in the emotional maelstrom of others saves them from having to investigate the turbulent tidal pools of their own bull***t.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Googling themselves/fabricating reality
Leo is not so much self-centered as self-seeking, ever looking for the dopamine hit of recognition. Oxygenated by attention, good or bad, they take to the interwebs to search for signs of themselves and comb social media to make sure any unflattering photos are expunged. These people are about presentation which makes them equally guilty of crafting an enviable social media identity that champions a healthy lifestyle, emotional independence and rich friendships. Yet, the higher the sparkle factor of that online curation the higher the likelihood the lion in question is ugly crying in the dark about their perceived facial asymmetry, lack of intimacy and the tepid public response to their ecstatic dance routine on Snapchat.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Being right
Virgo is the sign of instantaneous judgement or discernment as they see it. They know within moments if their friend’s significant other is a trash monster, if the food will be good, if you’ve dressed appropriately for the sartorial assignment, if they want to be your friend etc. and they get no greater thrill than when their instincts, opinions, arguments or unheeded advice turn out to be absolutely correct. Better than an orgasm and equal to a clean kitchen.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Being a sugar baby
Ruled by luxury loving, work avoidant Venus, Libras want all of the spoils and none of the toil. Thus, their guilty pleasure is lavishness on someone else’s dime, freebies, impersonating a first class passenger, anything on the house, a hotel room upgrade, there friend’s parents beach house, an open bar, an “influencer” perk, cutting in line at a club, a swag bag etc.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Romantic comedies
Scorpio would never cop to it, but inside the dark vault heart of each and every one, under the overgrown ivy, around the barbwire and beyond the ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE graffiti lives a basic b**ch romantic that believes in “the one” and worships at the altar of the meet cute, the fairytale, and the everlasting love story.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Gambling
Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, planet of luck and expansion which gives natives a supernatural optimism and the problematic belief that they can, should and will always win. That’s the kind of concentrated confidence that makes a mothertrucker roll the dice, bet the ponies, go all in on an average hand, pull the lever and never, ever pull out.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Exiling their enemies
Capricorn is daddy energy and these people LIVE to punish and not always in a sexy way. Sea goats love to take stock of every slight they have suffered and every person who has failed them and then emotionally vanquish them to a desert landscape where they will be starved of the bankable resource that is the favor of a Capricorn.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Binge watching reality television
Aquarius loves to observe human nature in all of its myriad messiness; hair pulling, betrayal, survivalism, tenderness etc without actually having to participate in it. Blessedly for these water bearing, ivory tower dwelling, moon boot wearing weirdos, they can watch it all and satisfy their signature blend of emotional remove and probing curiosity through the glut and gullet of reality television.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Everything
As the last sign in the zodiac, Pisces has a heavy load to bear, specifically the unchecked psychic baggage of all the signs that come before it. As such, these fish scaled folk need a lot of space for escape be it drugs, drinking, drum circles, sexual depravity or a selective sensory deprivation chamber filled with ambient light, bean bags and the sound of ocean spray.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.