There’s nothing humble about these pies.
Comedian Kevin James waxed poetic about the power and pleasure of the pizza pie, arguing, “There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.”
I could think of a few contenders but in honor of National Pizza Day on February 9th, we’ll concede to Kevin’s claim.
In further observance of this hallowed day I would personally like to honor GOAT American pizza fan, six-year-old Mason Stonehouse a probable Taurus who ordered hundreds of dollars worth of delivery pizza while playing on his dad’s phone before bed. Upon being roused and asked to account for his crimes he put his hands up and calmly inquired whether the pepperoni pizzas had arrived.
Raising a slice to THAT.
Americans, including the aforementioned pepperoni prince, owe a debt to Italian immigrants who brought the fabled pizza pie with them across the Atlantic, establishing an appetite for the humble delicacy in New York City and beyond. NYC is still considered the pizza capital of the US with 18% of the best pizza joints in the country falling within the city limits.
Wherever you live and however you celebrate the carbohydrate of kings, we hope you’ll pair your pie with our list of the zodiac signs as pizzas.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Buffalo pizza
Hot on purpose and prone to leave a stain, Aries is the buffalo pizza of the zodiac. Add to this that they are about as subtle as bright orange and as easy to digest as fermented cayenne pepper.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Margherita pizza
Taurus lives for indulgence and caloric abandon masquerading as fancy s**t on a pretty plate. Enter the Margherita pizza, a Taurean poem of suntanned edges, expensive cheese and herb confetti. Though, for a bull on the rebound or stress eating, it’s stuffed crust all day, baby.
Hawaiian pizza
Gemini energy is polarizing and at points downright chaotic much like the controversial Hawaiian pizza. It’s the carbohydrate equivalent of a dare, a shifting riddle and the sometimes salty, sometimes sweet and always conversational, Gemini
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Veggie pizza
Cancer is a veggie pizza as they operate from a place of first do no harm, the rallying cry of vegetarians and veterinarians alike. Cancers tend to have sensitive stomachs and are the sort to grow their own squash, making this nutrient rich, spice averse pie their kind of slice.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Cheese pizza
Leo, regal rulers of the heart are also hopeless, unhinged and utterly shameless romantics. When it comes to love, adoration and pizza pies, the more shameless cheese the better for the lion pride.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Thin crust pizza
Virgo people are fanatically uptight about their health. They don’t care if it tastes good so long as it pretends to be good for you. Enter the thin crust pizza, a glorified cracker allergic to fun.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Pepperoni pizza
A the sign synonymous with partnerships, business dealings and perfect parings, Libra is the pepperoni pizza of the zodiac. Libras easily fall prey to codependent dynamics. In kind, pepperoni is a sought after topping that requires another element to truly shine.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Meat pizza
Scorpio rules the eighth house of death and regeneration as well as the excretory system. Apropos of this, no pizza known to man is covered in more dead s**t than the meat or meat lover’s pie.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Supreme pizza
Sagittarius is a supreme pizza as they have a hard time saying no to excess and were born to add toppings with reckless abandon and without thought to price, decency or the incontestable truth that canned olives are trash. Ruled by expansive, bigger the better, more the merrier, planet Jupiter it tracks that theirs would be a riot of taste.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Sicilian pizza
Capricorn is the Sicilian pizza of the zodiac because it is square and traditional. Caps are concerned with leaving a legacy/building an empire and Sicily is synonymous with the centuries old and still ruling/laundering/extorting/murdering criminal organization, known as Costa Nostra.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
White pizza
Not wanting to sully their space suits, vegan leather suede interior or stainless steel Aquarius is a white pizza. It’s Yoko Ono, it’s starting the revolution one banished tablespoon of marinara at a time. It’s the future, it’s unpopular and it’s here to show us what is possible.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Deep dish pizza
Pisces is the deep dish pizza of the zodiac as natives seem destined to live up to the adage of fellow fish, the writer and professional heartbreaker Anaïs Nin who espoused, “I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.” True of emotion, true of crust.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.