DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for decades. My husband, who has always been very overweight, has made many promises to remedy it with no follow-through. He continues to overeat and avoid physical activity, while constantly complaining about aches, pains and fatigue. Frequently, when we go out, he wolfs down his food, and I am left to fend off waiters who want to clear our plates because he’s finished.
When we were at dinner with friends, my husband was first to the buffet, ate twice as much food as everyone else and finished long before anyone else was done. A few friends commented on it. He has high blood pressure and cholesterol that can no longer be managed with medication. Our sex life is terrible due to his weight and inability to perform. Medication no longer helps with this either.
His cardiologist strongly recommended changes that there’s little chance he will implement. In fact, my husband’s first meal after that appointment was a steak hoagie and fries. He has been in therapy for many years for a myriad of issues, and we have also started couples therapy. I love my husband, but I am very sad that he is willing to trade what should be quality years as we age for self-induced disability. Please tell me how to cope with this. Your advice is welcome. — DISAPPOINTED IN FLORIDA
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. You have a right to your feelings. However, until your husband accepts that he has a food addiction that is out of control and is willing to take the necessary steps to modify his gorging and eating habits, nothing you can do will prevent what’s surely going to happen.
Keep reminding him that you love him and want him to be healthy for the reasons you stated. But you also need to take care of yourself by preparing for the outcome if he decides not to make the necessary lifestyle choices to regain his health.
DEAR ABBY: There is something I have been dealing with from the time I was a little kid. I seem to be a magnet for blame for things I haven’t done. I have been accused of stealing, lying, doing this or that and anything else you can imagine. I am usually caught off guard by the accuser and dumbfounded.
If I do something wrong, I am the first to admit it and apologize. However, when the accuser finds they were wrong, they rarely, if ever, apologize. I find that as I’m getting older, I am becoming increasingly angry and resentful toward these people. How should I deal with this? — DUMBFOUNDED IN COLORADO
DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: There is a two-step solution to your problem. When you are wrongly accused, tell the accuser how angry and resentful this has made you feel all these years. Then, if it happens again, feel free to avoid that person until an apology is offered.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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